This is not the type of detoxifying article you’re expecting it to be. While having a healthy body is very important, that is not what I’ll be talking about here. Rather, I will be talking about a cleansing of the soul, removal of bad energy, and purification of thought.
On January 20th, I finally walked away from an emotionally abusive relationship that made me extremely unhappy. I walked away from awful arguments, terrible communication and a haunting feeling of worthlessness. I escaped neglect, gaslighting and manipulation, the worry that I might be crazy, the thought that I deserved what was happening, and the fear that i would never receive any better. I left behind a nagging headache, high stress levels, tense shoulders, an unusually-paced heart beat, feelings of anxiety and fluctuating mood.
I also walked away from the person I was becoming. A very pessimistic, angry woman was starting to grow inside me, and she did not produce the kind of anger that men fear. She did not produce the kind of anger that won women the vote, or the fire that got use reproductive anger. That sort of anger, in fact, is not anger at all. That is genuine passion for a good cause that society deems an inappropriate reaction in this patriarchal society. No. This woman produce the unhealthy kind of anger. The type that explodes randomly and destroys its owner more than its victim.
In leaving, i opened the door to a world of new possibilities. In breaking free, I discovered a whole new world around me. It made me realise how many opportunities I had missed and how many of them could have been so easily taken. It made me realise that some of my wishes were right at my doorstep, and all i needed to do to reach them was to step out. So, I write this article to tell you, reader, what these new things were. Some of them are very small, but some of them are quite life changing. And I hope that you will find inspiration in them for many reasons. Not only to gain the courage to leave too, if you are in the same situation as me, but also to just remember that there is so much out there in for you to discover and explore. Of course, I recognize that there is some slight privilege to my experience, being from a family that is able to send me to the United Kingdom to study, but I still hope that some parts of the story resonate with you even if other do not.
Today marks the 10th month out of the relationship, so I am celebrating the 10 things i managed to do to improve my life this year.
1. February – I travelled to Birmingham for the very first time. Now this may sound like something far too simple and inconsequential to celebrate, but for me, it was a small dream. Birmingham is not the prettiest of cities. In fact I found it rather grey. However, what I liked about being able to travel there was the fact that I no longer had to justify leaving the house one fine day to visit another city to anyone. In the relationship, I had to. Now you may say that that is normal in any relationship. Communication is key after all. But when these explanations feel like more of a chore so your partner can monitor your every move like some sort of prisoner, being able to travel without telling anyone feels like spreading your wings and flying. Meeting new people was also important to me in this trip, because I began to feel so isolated and cut of from everyone else.
2. March – I’ve been practising pole dancing for a while now, and in March, i performed in my first showcase. This was a particular source of pride for me because it made me feel like I had finally regained control over my own body. Although he never expressed any desire for me to stop pole dancing, he did make certain comments that made me feel like I was doing something wrong, especially if I dare post a picture. Apparently I had to “discuss” it with him first if I wanted to post MY own body on MY profile on instagram. What a ridiculous concept. So being able to perform this dance that is deemed immoral by society and that this person tried to make me feel bad about felt like a power move. My dance routine had just the slightest sexiness to it, and it felt good to showcase it to an audience. I’ve obviously gained so much respect for women who dance in clubs, because the type of stereotypes they are labelled with much be awful. But they dance beautifully anyway. For me, its just a little fun and strength training. But that little snapshot into how people speak about women’s bodies has made me learn that what you say can have a huge impact on someone’s life and well being.
3. April – I explored parts of London that I had never been to before. London is not at all far from where I live, but I had only ever really been to Victoria and Brixton. This time I saw places like Elephant and Castle, Canary Wharf, Barnsbury Estate, Kentish Town and Camden. These all sound inconsequential too, probably, but in my opinion, it important to explore the places you live in, even those places you think have nothing to them. You just never know what you will find! I mean, I discovered Philipino ice-cream. Have you ever had Philipino ice-cream? Have you ever had Ethiopian honey wine?
4. May – Not so exciting, but more of a learning point. A particular incident happened where I perceived that I was being betrayed. Hence, I stormed off from the party I was at. However, it was not what i thought it was (or so I’m told), but this had to be explained to me by the person I thought was playing a game with me. I was very tempted to blast them and express this unhealthy anger I had been displaying for such a long time. But for some reason, perhaps just growth or being in a new environment, I decided not to. I took a step back, did the breathing exercise I had been taught by my therapist and instead listened instead of reacting. In the end, my doubts were dealt with and I felt more at ease with the situation. This was a learning point in that I realised that I was so used to being on the defensive and therefore did not allow new people in very easily. I often pushed people away to avoid being hurt again, but on this day, I realised that vulnerability is not the problem, and openness is not the problem either. Rather, it is people who take advantage of you letting them into your space that have to look at themselves and change.
In May, I also did my big chop! After a year an a half of transitioning, I cut off all my relaxed ends and went back to natural.
5. June – Summery June was just a month of fun and sunshine. I travelled to Southampton and the Channel island of Jersey. Jersey has such beautiful beaches! What a calming place. I suppose June was a reflective month in terms of what I wanted in life, in love, and so on. I also got my third tattoo. Tattoos are an important form of expression for me in that i can write my stories on my own skin.
6. July – July continued to be contemplative, but also quite focused on work. I officially became the Women’s Officer for my university and received training in that month. Life had opened up a new path into the range of things I could do. I was presented with the opportunity to help people and influence policy. Let’s hope I do a good job!
7. August – This was the month of boundaries. I cut a small number of people off that I felt were not healthy for me. It was a learning point to because I realised that I may have still been inclined to tolerate toxic relations and not stand up for myself. However, seeing that people often don’t give respect automatically helped me examine how I can set healthy boundaries for myself. I have since learnt to tell people when I don’t like something as soon as it is done. Recovering from a relationship where many boundaries are crossed is difficult in that you’re unsure if what you desire in your life is valid, reasonable or even sane. But, at the end of the day, its your life. You have to live it. And only things that enhance your experience and make you happy should be allowed in. Those things that make you unhappy need only be taken as lessons and subsequently be moved on from.
8. September – The end of summer presented a length check. I literally checked how long my hair was, as I blow dried and trimmed it for the first time since my big chop. Shoulder blade length so far, but waist length is the goal. I also had to check how much I had grown in personality. It was my first few days officially working as Women’s Officer, so each day was a check into how outgoing and daring I had become. I was pleased with my results. In the abusive relationship I was not willing to make new friends, but this time, I was introducing myself to new people. Not an easy task, but you never know until you try.
9. October – October also presented another opportunity to take control of my body. For the first time in my whole life, I wore a pair of see-through trousers. This was quite a big thing for me to do, coming from a conservative country that uses the weapon of gossip and reputation to control how women dress. To be able to show my skin and wear something “sexy” felt powerful because no one could tell me no anymore. I loved the way my legs looked in mesh and lace. I felt like a goddess. Needless to say, I shall be buying more see-through trousers!
10. November – Perhaps its the Mercury Retrograde in Scorpio but this month has felt like a revelation to me. It feels like a new journey is soon to commence. I received contact from my ex, and reading it felt empty. No skipped heart beat like before. Just an uninterested feeling. I felt I had finally moved forward. I was no longer in the loop of feeling like going back may be a better option than staying single and trying to move on. Also, this month has been quite successful in terms of networking, hence, I have had the most events to speak at or host this week. My outreach to students may still be very small, but no one ever starts big, We all started as a small cell that divided into many other cells and eventually became a body.
I look back on these ten months with nothing but pride in myself. Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is hard, and I wanted to use my voice to encourage other women to do so. Emotional abuse is often ignored in society because it looks like something that does not threaten a person’s life. It often just looks like one isolated bad argument, the usual tears you’re supposed to cry in a relationship, and wild passion between two people. But emotional abuse is in fact not normal, and certainly not the definition of passion we should be having. Tears are not really meant to be present in a relationship that truly makes you happy. No one that loves you will push you to the point where you cry. Tears are considered a thing of women and their irrational emotions, but they are in fact a sign that a person’s soul cannot take anymore pain. Reaching this point over and over again is not love.
Life has so much happiness to offer, both in the presence of other people and from yourself. Negative emotions are not meant to be a long-term thing and despair should not be your reaction towards the state of your relationship. If you can’t see a positive future with someone, then they’re not meant to be in your present.
I hope this fills you with just a little bit of hope and excitement. Take care of your first step to your new life! xxx
Sasha's Space 
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