A Peaceful Night

Insomnia, my elusive friend, here you are again. Coming and going as you please. Checking in and checking out as you see fit.

 

Once upon a time we were not acquainted, insomnia and I. Once upon a time, sleep came easy. Sleep was a safe place. Possibilities were endless. There were thousands of people to meet, scores of places to travel to. There were multiple realities blended in one sometimes, or there was a twisted version of this one. It mattered not. Sleep was journey to the unknown, an uncovering of the undiscovered.

 

I remember my final peaceful night, as though it were only last night. You and I were together, sitting and talking about nothing. Then, in the way you always did, you charmed me into falling into your arms, and then you fell into me.

 

You weren’t really there, but it felt like you were. I wish you had been. Every kiss, every touch, every stroke seemed as though it was happening in this reality, not the one I’d created for us. Every breathe you took was indeed warm. The oil in your hair could indeed be smelt.

 

 

You felt so real that even in that deep, undisturbed sleep, my body became conscious enough to move. You began to fade away as my eyes began to open but my hand still reached out to hold you. My right leg was still bent beside you.  My foot lay flat on the mattress, as though ready to balance me before sitting back up. If I had been upright, I might have been mistaken for a person taking a step forward. Perhaps I was attempting to walk to you. I would do the distance. Love acquired, logic lost.

 

In the mild shock of my awakening, they collapsed back into the mattress. It should have disturbed me. But it did not. My soul was moving when it should have been at rest. It had never done that before. But instead I turned back on to my side, desperately trying to see you again. I did not see you again that night. I laid with a blank mind.

 

You see, it comforted me to know that it was you that called my spirit to flee from my body. That this would happen on dark nights bothered me not. For your Cancer heart is ruled by the moon in the way that my Aries sun is ruled by Mars. The stars in our constellations would have lit my path to you. It was only you I felt such a love for. The person before received nonchalance, the person after you was despised. Only you won my heart. My affection for you trumped all fear and sense, only inspiring wild adventure. Again, love acquired, logic lost.

 

But not long after that night, you disappeared. Very suddenly. You abandoned me. My nights became moonless. Venus still shone brightly, but not enough to light up my life like you did. I stood alone in the blackness, a lonely red dot.

 

Little did I know that that would be my last peaceful night. You had held my soul’s hand for so long. Why was it so easy to desert me? Did you ever feel the emptiness I felt? Did you feel exposed? Naked? As though an unseen enemy was aiming an arrow at you? Silently pursuing you. It was that way for me. It robbed me of my peace. Peace is a requirement for rest.

 

Hence, many a night I lie awake now, listening to the silence of the night, memorising the nothingness around me.  A failed attempt to block you out of my mind produced an inclination to intoxication, and that intoxication gave birth to an unsettling imagination. No day dream was sweet enough to rid me of the bitter taste you left in my mouth. No fictional journey could take me far enough away from the pain.

 

I do not mean to say it was just you that caused the insomnia. Rather, it was the shock of you leaving without explanation. It was how painfully you ripped away the trust I had built for you. How many times you lied that everything was fine between us. How you built this safe haven around us, and then left me in it with a legion of demons. How disconcerting it was that you developed this sudden lack of conscience.

 

Life is but a long lesson, but surely you did not need to be so harsh in teaching me that people can fall out of love. Surely there was no need to break my heart so badly that even my soul felt physical pain. Surely there was no need for the trauma. Alas, I learnt. My once warm spirit grew as cold as the metal on the chain you gave me. My hand did not extend to those who did not extend theirs to me. My mind was never the same too. Melancholy and cynical. Reserved and unnecessarily observant. Unnerved.

 

I would not wish this perturbation on anyone. Perhaps my worst enemy deserves it, but even then. A restless soul is a sorrowful fate.

 

But fear not. There is still beauty in the world. Absorb it while you are awake. Smell the flowers, listen to the birds, climb a mountain and watch the sun set.

 

Just because sleep has evaded you does not mean you cannot dream.